Ghosts 13

When they got to Nathan’s first floor condo, he knew the door would be locked so he went in through the door and brought Mya with him.  “I didn’t know we could do that.”  Mya said when they were inside.

“We did it at the theatre.”  Nathan pointed out.  How could she not have noticed?

Mya looked down.  “I had other things on my mind at the time.”  She answered his unasked question and then ran a finger through the dust on the little table by the door.  “Nice mess.”  She turned her little nose up.

“Welcome to my pad,” Nathan said.  He brought her into the kitchen where he turned on the light.

“Not too bad.”  She looked around the room.  “I could live here.”

“No.”  Nathan shook his head and she looked upset for a second to think that he might exclude her from some part of his life.  “You deserve better.”  He finished his thought and she smiled.  Then she turned serious and took his hands and made him sit down beside her.  She worried his hands a little as she spoke.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, you know, about the way this world has become.  I don’t want to be like that so I have to say this.”  She had to clear her throat and Nathan thought it sounded so cute.  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong.”

“No, no.”  Nathan started, but Mya slapped his hand softly.

“Quiet.  Stop treating me like a child.  Let me finish.”

“You’re right.  I’m sorry.  Go on.”

Mya cleared her throat again and paused.  She almost laughed when she saw the smile on Nathan’s face.  She cleared her throat in an exaggerated way and they both laughed before she lowered her eyes and began to worry his hands again.  “Anyway.”  She used his word and said it with the same inflection he used.  It almost got them laughing again.  “Anyway, I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have kissed you and I shouldn’t have asked you to be my boyfriend.  Maybe I’m not old enough for that yet.”  She was being more than gracious.  She knew she was old enough on the inside, and he knew it, too.  She looked up at him because she seemed to be finished and she only waited for him to respond.

“First of all, you have no need to apologize for the kiss.”  He thought about it and got as careful as he could be in how he described it.  “It was very nice and I kissed you too, you know.”  Mya looked down.  Clearly, she thought the kiss was more than just very nice.  “And as far as being old enough, I know you are.”

“But.”

“Now you let me finish,” he said, and she quieted.

“I’ve been watching you very closely, and I have seen the changes you have gone through.  Somehow, you have been growing up and maturing on the inside faster than possible for a living person, but I know it is real.  I have seen how you have responded to people and situations, and I know the difference between a child and a teen and an adult.  In fact, I would say you are an adult now, already.  You are absolutely no seven-year-old trapped in a grown-up body.  If anything, I think your outside body has just been adjusting to keep up with your age on the inside.  You said you did not want to be a child forever, well, now you certainly won’t be.”  His eyes looked her up and down.  He was a man, and far younger than he used to be so he could not help it, but Mya caught the look and leaned forward to expose herself just so and spoke in a husky voice

“So, do you like what you see?”

She smiled and joked again, but Nathan growled, stood straight up and turned toward the sink to turn his back on her.  “Don’t do that.”  He spoke sharply, and she responded with a little anger, or perhaps some frustration.

“And what about you?  You were nothing but a pot-bellied bag of bones.  Your arms were so spindly I was afraid at first if I squeezed too hard the bones would just snap in two.  But now look at you.  You can’t be more than thirty, and you have real arms and muscles and a flat belly and a chest and… and I better not say anymore.  But you know what I mean.  You have shed far more years than I have gained.  Where have they gone?  You’re not old enough to be my father anymore, maybe not even if I was still seven.”

“That isn’t the point.”  Nathan turned toward her still angry, but he softened the instant he saw her and he realized that she genuinely struggled with all of this.  She knew what she felt, but she needed to know what he felt.  She needed to understand, and he could tell by the look in her big brown eyes that she would never force herself on him if he honestly felt that it simply was not right.

He spoke with all the tenderness in him and explained things once again as well as he could to this little girl.  “I remember being eighty-four.  It is a bit like a dream or maybe a story I once read, but I remember working all those years, and all the bad times and good, though maybe not so many bad, I think.  Still, even if it does not exactly feel like me anymore, I know it was me.  And you.  I remember you as a frightened little rabbit, just seven years old with a bad foot and a limp, begging for a ride home so you and your mother could visit your grandmother who was dying.  I remember you that way like it was yesterday because it was just yesterday.  Do you know what they call old men who take liberties, like do things with seven-year-old girls?  I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

“But you just said I am far from seven, and you are becoming a very attractive young man.  Isn’t there somewhere we can meet in the middle?”

“No.  Stop it.  Not now, not tonight.  I don’t know.”  He turned again to face the sink.  “It is just how I think of you and me, fool that I am.  I’m sorry.”

Mya started to cry, and after a moment, Nathan sat down beside her and held her.  He could do that much.  He never wanted to hurt her.  It broke his heart to even think that he might be hurting her.  But what could he honestly do?  She wept, and held on to him for dear life, wracked with tears.  He cried right along with her.

At last, as always happens, the tears subsided for a bit and Nathan helped her to her feet.  He practically carried her to the guest room where he pulled down the covers.  “I think it would be best if you slept here tonight.”  He said as he glanced at the clock.  “It is almost eleven.”  He said.  “I don’t know about you but it is way past my bedtime.”  Mya laughed once through her teary eyes.  Of course, it was way past her bedtime too.

“Mother would be very upset to know I stayed up this late.”

“Mine too,” Nathan agreed and then he explained before Mya could ask.  “My daughter, Lisa.  She treats me more like she is my mother than my mother ever did.”  He sat Mya on the bed.  “And I am her wayward son,” he added with a touch of his finger to her little nose.  That made Mya smile, but it also caused her hand to go up and caress his cheek.  She grinned, almost appeared happy again as she brushed his unruly hair behind his ear.  “Now go to sleep,” he said and backed up to the doorway.  “You think about it,” he said.  “And pray about it,” he added.  “And I promise I will do the same.  Maybe in the morning we will be able to figure this out.”

Mya nodded.  “Good night.”

“Good night,” he said and turned toward his room.

“Good night.”  He heard Mya again, but he dared not answer her again.

Mya got out of her gown, not wanting to wrinkle it.  She had already decided to sleep without it but was kind enough to wait until Nathan left before she got undressed.  She found, then, that she could crawl under the covers, something she was not sure she could do, and she snuggled under the sheets and expected to get a good sleep.

Nathan also got undressed, but only because he felt he had worn the same suit for two days and that felt like long enough.  He left his boxers on, though, and crawled into bed.  He felt confused.  He felt more than confused.  He had fallen madly in love with the girl, and he knew it.  She was the most beautiful creature in his eyes that he had ever seen, and he lived a long time and saw a lot.  What was his problem?  God, what is my problem?  He almost said that out loud as he closed his eyes for sleep.  Then he had a thought, and apparently, Mya had the same thought at the same time.

The angel said they had two times a time between and a half time.  He translated that as a half a day, two nights and one day between   They had a half a day on the day of the accident, and then last night and the day.  What if this was their last night on this earth?  What if they were taken up in their sleep?  What if they were separated and never got to see each other again?  He was about to rise when he heard Mya at the door.  She came over quietly and pulled up the covers, and then she crawled in and pulled up against him.  She held on and laid her head in the crook of his shoulder.  His arm went around her of its own volition.  He could not help that, but he honestly thought it best if he pretended to be asleep.  All he knew was if he was going to be taken anywhere in the night he was going to do everything he could to take her with him, and she felt the same.

Ghosts 12

The symphony hall was not far away.  There was a little time yet before the concert since the sun had just about set.  They spent the time looking at the posters and reading about the season’s offering, and Nathan confessed that he used to have season tickets.

“I had to give it up when my ears started to go,” he said.  “God knows that when you get older, all of the senses start to go, one by one.”

“Can you hear me now?”  Mya whispered.

“Yes, I can.”  Nathan whispered back, and she laughed again.  Nathan thought it was a great pleasure to hear her laugh and he wondered if she might be ticklish.  She was, and in short order they were both on their knees laughing as hard as any two people had ever laughed.  Finally, as Nathan got hold of himself, Mya had a thought.

“Oh, but I have never heard a symphony before.  Mother only listened to country music.  What exactly is a symphony?”

“What is a symphony?”  Nathan puffed.  “What is a symphony?”  He grabbed her hand, pulled her to her feet and rushed her inside.  They snitched a program and ran up the stairs to the box seats, Nathan hoped that the performance had not sold out.  “I used to sit here,” Nathan said as he caught his breath.  He was certainly under forty-years-old by then, but not by all that much.  Mya, not winded at all, had to be maybe and finally an honest eighteen, maybe.

In the hall outside the box they found a man, a ghost dressed in old fashioned clothes, sitting by the entrance to the box seats, leaning against the wall. Nathan was inclined to ignore the man, but the man looked up at the couple and spoke.

“Haven’t seen you two here before.”

Nathan moved Mya to his other arm so she would be further from the man and closer to the stairs, then he thought he could be friendly, but Mya spoke first. “Do you like the symphony?”

The man shrugged. “The music helps me sleep.”

Nathan looked at the man’s clothes and asked a different question. “Hoe long have you been here?”

The man shrugged again. “Must be a couple of years by now.”

Nathan imagined he had been there considerably longer than a couple of years.

“Why would you sleep?” Mya asked. “We have a whole world to explore. Nathan is taking me to the symphony for the first time ever.”

“Why should I care? What difference does it make?” The man shrugged a third time. “I spent my whole life doing as little as I could get away with. I did not see any point in doing more. Then I died, and now I think it is all pointless.”

Nathan shook his head. “The world is full of wonders,” he said, and Mya nodded. “I’m sorry you can’t see that.”

“Buzz off,” the man responded, shifted a bit in his seat to get in a more comfortable position, and shut his eyes. He said one more thing. “I keep hoping to go to sleep and never wake up again.” He clearly shut them out. He would be snoring by the time the music started, and Nathan thought it best to take Mya into the box seats.

“There is nothing we can do for the man,” Nathan said as much to himself as to Mya.

“We can pray for him,” Mya said, and Nathan nodded and added the man to his ever increasing prayer list.

They sat and Nathan explained all he could about Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony, and then after an intermission there was going to be a waltz by Strauss and a piece by Mahler.  By the time he finished, the hall began to fill up, and Mya began to get excited.  Nathan gave her hand a fatherly pat as if to say, just wait, when an older woman came to sit in his seat.  Mya nudged him and he got up as quickly as he could, but not quick enough.  The woman’s shoulder went right through his shoulder.

The woman paused and looked at the ceiling as if searching for the air conditioning vent.  She pulled her shawl up fully around her shoulder and took the next chair over so Nathan got to sit down again.  Mya tried to hold back a laugh and Nathan wiped his brow.  “That was close.”  He spoke to the woman, but of course, the woman heard nothing.  He turned back to Mya but she hushed him.  The orchestra started warming up and the lights were going down.  Beethoven was wonderfully done.  Nathan could not resist pointing out his favorite part in the piece, but he saw Mya moved to tears, so he really did not need to say anything.  When the piece finished, he thought that Mya applauded more than anyone, and then came the intermission.

The old woman beside them did not look like she was going to move, so Nathan politely said, “Excuse us,” even if she could not respond.  Of course, their legs inevitably went through her legs, and Mya stopped them at the curtain for a moment to watch.  The woman bent down as if searching for the source of the breeze.  She pulled her dress all the way down to cover her legs.  Mya did finally giggle a little, but Nathan heard no little girl sound in it.

When they got downstairs, they found it very crowded and very difficult to get around without walking through people.  Several men turned up their collars at the sudden cold, and some women adjusted their shawls and sweaters, but really, Nathan and Mya disrupted very little.  Nathan felt bad, briefly, that he could not get them some of that famous watered down orange drink.  They found the water fountain but Mya said that even in the hospital all she could do was wet her lips.  The lights flashed and that startled Mya for a moment.  She grabbed on to Nathan, but he assured her it was nothing to worry about.  They went back up the stairs, more slowly than the first time, but when they arrived, even as the orchestra began to warm up once more, they saw that two late arrivals were sitting in their seats.

Nathan had a thought, and without saying anything, Mya asked, “What is it?”  She was beginning to know him rather well, too, and she could read the excitement etched across his face and eyes.

“Come on.”  That was all he said, and they were off, running again, going down the stairs two at a time.  The lights were off by the time they broke into the orchestra seating.  They reached the stage as the applause for the conductor abated.  Nathan dragged Mya right up on the stage.  She looked more than once, nervously at the crowd, even if she knew the audience could not see her.  By the time the first strains of the waltz began, he had her in the back corner of the stage, opposite the percussion section, where they had some room to move around.

“What is it?”  Mya finally insisted.

Nathan smiled and lifted his left hand.  “The waltz,” he said.  “We should be dancing.”

“Oh.”  Mya put her hand to her mouth.  “But I’ve never danced like that before,” she protested.

“Then time you learned young lady.  Come, come.”  He insisted.  She took his hand and he lifted her other hand to his shoulder while he set his hand gently on her waist.  “Just do what I do.”  He said, and they bumped legs.  “I mean the opposite.  When I step forward, you step back.”

“Oh.”  Mya turned a little red and decided her only recourse was to keep looking into Nathan’s eyes.  He looked into her eyes as well and waited for the right time to start, and then they waltzed.  She seemed so unsure at first, but it did not take long before she got it.  The waltz was not a complicated dance.  By the end of the Strauss piece, Mya moved with delight, so gracefully and effortlessly, Nathan felt a bit awkward as only a man can feel when dancing with a beautiful young woman.  He stepped back at the end to look at her.  Her school clothes were gone and she appeared dressed in a lovely gown, all pink and sparkling and a little bit low cut, he thought.  He still had on his suit, but his shirt appeared tight and spotless.  The suit looked like it just came from the dry cleaners and he wore a tie.  He had not worn a tie in years

Then it was over and while the people applauded, Nathan leaned over and kissed Mya’s cheek, and she kissed his.  Nathan thought of this as dancing with his daughter on her wedding day.  That was a dance he never got to have.  She ran away when she turned eighteen, and when she came home, she already married.  Not that she eloped, though.  She lived with the scum for two years first.

Mya thought something quite different.  She still had to get a little on her tip-toes, though not much, and she kissed him softly right on the lips.  “You could be my boyfriend,” she said.

Nathan’s eyes got big for a minute before he grabbed her hand roughly and dragged her backstage and down the hall.  They went out the stage door, actually walking right through it without realizing it.  She shouted the whole way, “Let go, let go!” and tugged against his big hand.  He did not speak but thought terrible things.  When he got her outside, he found some stacks of crates in the alley and he threw her down to sit on a crate, not to hurt her, but to not take no for an answer.  Then he spoke.

“Stop it.”  He shook a finger in her face.  “I’m eighty-four and you are just seven years old.”  He knew that was a lie when he said it, but his mind still told him that.  “I don’t mind being your grandfather.  I don’t even mind being your father, but I’ll have no talk about boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“And why not?”  She shot right back at him, not intimidated in the least.

“Because I’m too old for you, I mean way too old,” he yelled.

“Don’t you think that is for me to decide?”

“You can decide anything you like.  I don’t care.”

“Well, I don’t care either.  I don’t need you hanging around, you know.”

“Oh no?  Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know.”  Mya shrugged.  “What do you care?”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I don’t care either.  I’m grown up and I can take care of myself.  I don’t need you.”  She folded her arms, turned her head and stubbornly refused to look at him.  Nathan paused.  He just realized something he had overlooked.

“But I need you,” he said, softly.  “Your insight and willingness to go through all of this no matter what is the only thing that has kept me going.”

“Really?”  Mya asked.  She turned back to face him her eyes grew terribly wide with surprise.

“Really,” Nathan confirmed, and he lowered his eyes, unwilling to look into hers.

Mya got up and put her hands on his arms, not hugging him exactly, but inviting a hug.  He responded by squeezing the breath out of her, and she found a few tears.  “But don’t you know?” she said.  “You saved my life.”

“I tried to.”  His answer suggesting that he failed.

“No, I mean really.  I thought you were nice from the very beginning, and I was right.  I was wonderfully right.  Don’t you know you are the most wonderful man in the whole world?”

“Hardly,” he said and looked once again into her eyes and loved her smile.

A voice came from overhead where there were likely some apartments, though they could not see a speaker in the dark.  “Hey, buddy!  Could you keep it down?”

Another voice joined the chorus.  “Take her home and screw her brains out, you’ll both feel better in the morning.”

“Come on,” Nathan said and Mya went right with him.  That last was certainly a line he was not going to cross, but the taking her home bit made some sense.  His condo sat not all that far away, and they walked hand in hand, but both were quiet.  Neither seemed willing to bring up the boyfriend-girlfriend thing again; but in Mya’s heart, that was the way it was already, and Nathan kept telling himself it could never be that way.

Ghosts 11

After that experience, neither felt any desire or need to return again to the scene of the accident—the name they finally settled on calling it.  Nathan decided that they needed something good to do, so he led them to a nearby garden which he knew and which always seemed to have something in bloom, and certainly at that time of year promised plenty.

While they walked, Mya found a question that started with her short summary of recent events.  “So, the suicide bomber thought he would go straight to paradise, but he didn’t.  That young man thought God owed him tons of good, but nothing happened there.  The minster refused to believe that he was not already perfect, though he was still stuck on a park bench, and the burly man refused to believe in anything at all, even if his own experience proved the opposite of what he was saying.  I don’t get it?  Why don’t they just say, I was wrong and get on with it?”

Nathan looked at Mya and slipped his arm over her shoulder.  She responded by placing hers around his waist. She looked up at him like a girl might look up to her father to explain the hard bumps and curves of life in a way that she could understand.

“I have made plenty of mistakes in my time, and I have generally admitted them, but for most people these days that is not how the world works,” Nathan began.  He paused for a moment while he remembered a story.  “There was a woman in church way back when Mildred and I were going.  I remember whenever the preacher started talking about sin; she would arch her back and give him terrible stares.  I heard her once going out the door in front of us.  Even as she shook the preacher’s hand she said, “Some of us don’t think of ourselves as sinners.”

“But that’s crazy,” Mya said.

“But she was absolutely sincere.  You see, the world has become a very hard and fast place.  If you admit doing something wrong, and especially if you apologize and say you are sorry, most people see that as a weakness, as something they can hold over your head and manipulate you with.  Consequently, most people will never admit a mistake even if they know better, and they will never, ever say they are sorry.  Do you follow what I’m saying?”

“Yes,” Mya said.  “You are telling me the whole world has gone crazy.”

“Maybe the world is crazy.”  He would not object to that description.  “But it gets really bad when you think that no one can ever start over.  You see, when you admit the wrong and apologize, you get over it and it gives you the chance to try something else, something different or new; but if you never admit that you were wrong, you get stuck.  It’s kind of like telling a lie, and then trying to cover it up with another lie, and then another.  If you don’t confess, you never get over it.  It just gets worse and worse.”  Then Nathan added another thought.  “I think the whole problem with every one of those men is they are unwilling to admit that they were wrong.”

“What about you?”  Mya asked.

Nathan leaned over and rubbed his knuckles gently, lovingly really on the top of her head.  He spoke instantly.  “Sorry.  That was wrong of me.”

Mya pinched him in the roll he still had around his stomach and caused him to yelp.  “That might have been wrong of me.’  Mya grinned.  “But I’m not sorry.”

Nathan grinned right back at her.

When they arrived at the garden, Nathan did not feel disappointed.  It looked as beautiful as he remembered.

“It’s lovely,” Mya remarked.  “So charming and quaint.”  She tried out the words, and then she tried something else.  She got on her tip-toes, steadied herself with a hand on Nathan’s arm, and she kissed Nathan right on the cheek.  She smiled as she stared at him with true love and affection in her eyes.  No one would have ever guessed that a day ago they were complete strangers.

Nathan coughed to bring her back to the flowers.  He also took her to a bench where they sat and drew in the myriad of scents.  Mya kept saying how beautiful everything was, and she got up a couple of times to take a closer look when she saw a more distant flower with a new color.   Nathan could hardly bring himself to move at all.  He felt amazed at being able to catch all of the aromas, which were indeed beautiful, and he found he could even pull out the scent of one or more flowers independently from all the rest.  Poor Nathan could hardly smell anything after the age of seventy-five or so.  Now, the return of this most vital sense positively overwhelmed him with pleasure.

He got startled out of his reverie when he heard Mya let out a little shriek.  He bolted to her side, his first run in more than twenty years, but he found her delighted, indeed, enchanted, and not in danger as he feared.

“Look.”  Mya pointed, and they saw a kind of light fluttering around one of the flowers.  Nathan looked again, and he noticed that there were several lights in that corner of the garden.  Then he looked closer and gave his new, wonderful eyes their first real workout.  He saw a little human-like figure with wings, a figure no bigger than a hummingbird hovering over a rose.  He noticed, because the light right then noticed him.

“Fairies.”  Mya named them and she clasped her hands together in pure delight.  Obviously her seven-year-old world view had no trouble accepting such things.  But that was not fair, Nathan thought, because she was clearly now more like seventeen, and he knew it.

One part of Nathan’s mind tried to say that fairies were impossible, but it another piece of his mind parted the silence of his lips.  “I knew it,” he said.  “I always knew this universe was not the way I was taught.”  Mya looked curious, so he explained.  “Like the burly man.  We were all taught that this earth was no more than dead matter and energy, that our minds, our consciousness, mere accidents of nature.”  Mya shook her head as if that did not make any sense, especially in light of their experience.  “But somehow, deep inside, I always knew the universe was alive, everywhere.  I bet there are all sorts of things in the real world about which the living with their closed matter and energy minds have no idea.”  He concluded, and Mya nodded as if to say that now she understood.

The fairy flew up to Mya’s face and then Nathan’s face, and finally began to fly around them in a circle of streaming pink light.  Other fairies were attracted to this and joined in adding gold, lavender and pale blue lights to the mix.  Round and round they went, faster and faster so that Mya and Nathan could not keep up and began to get dizzy.  The two humans drew closer to each other, and eventually held on tight.  They got as close as they could lest they inadvertently bumped one of the speeding fairies which they could no longer distinguish from the light.  Then the circles of light began to rise and for a second, Mya and Nathan thought they were going to rise with it; but as soon as the circles got above their heads, they began to contract in size.  They became smaller and smaller circles until it came to a single point and the light and the fairies vanished altogether.

Mya clapped her hands and squealed with delight.  If she had been younger, like closer to actually being seven, she probably could not have resisted making the sound.  Nathan stood with his mouth open in wonder.  It was the most glorious sight he had ever seen!  Then he remembered the angel and said to himself, the second most glorious.

Nathan started to let go of Mya, though he felt very comfortable holding her in that way.  Mya also did not seem to want to let go, but they did, and Nathan had a terrific thought.  He held out his hand, palm up as he spoke.

“Would my lady care to attend the symphony with me this evening?”

“Yes.”  Mya spoke a bit loud and much too quickly.  “A date?” she asked.

Nathan shrugged off the implication even if he could not stop smiling.  “No, no,” he said.  “You are supposed to say, “Yes, My Lord.  I would be delighted.”  And then you put your hand, palm on my palm, and give a little curtsey while I bow.

Mya laughed briefly at the idea, and it sounded like no little girl giggle.  She offered her hand and spoke as requested, and then Nathan drew her in to hold his arm again and noted that she was now as tall as his shoulder, and then just a little bit more.

************************

MONDAY the symphony, a night of tears, and a morning of surprises. Until next week, Happy Reading

*